Sunday, September 4, 2016

More Hands

It,s been so long since I,ve written one of these things that I don,t remember how. It also doesn,t help that I,m using a new computer that doesn,t have anything on it. I got this new computer the other day because it was crazy cheap and even though I don,t need a new computer, I felt like I couldn,t pass up such a sexy, righteous deal. I was right. I couldn,t pass it up.

I never ended up finding a house because some dumb stuff happened, but now stuff is much less dumb. I did get a car a few months ago. I also went on a tour with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band a few months ago. The tour was whatever and my car is whatever. Both were expensive and wasteful.
Shy Layers - Shy Layers
Speaking of things that are expensive and wasteful, I think I,m going to buy an incredibly ridiculous guitar today even though I already have an incredibly ridiculous guitar that I don,t use. I guess I just hate money and myself lately. Whatever. I,m a dumb manager at my work now so I make enough money to care a tiny bit less about it. That,s pretty weird. They should not have made me a manager. Luckily, it requires me to do very little, but I am still technically in charge of two other human beings and that is something that should never be allowed.

It,s not like I take advantage of my position or anything. I just don,t think it should be legal for me to have any power over anybody. That has to be throwing the entire world out of balance in some way. If Trump gets elected, it,s because I am a manager.

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band finished recording an album about a month ago and I immediately started recording my Death Cab For Cutie cover solo project because some benevolent man said that he would pay to have it recorded and mushed into a big plastic circle. That works for me. I wonder if I am going to have to pay spiritual reparations for all of the money and time and energy that people waste on the trash that I make. I guess I,ll deal with that once I,m wiggling in my grave.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Heavy Arms

Oh man. I haven,t written anything here in a while. Luckily, I don,t care and neither does anybody else. All I care about are the beans I,m currently cooking. I,ve been shopping for groceries at the poor people store lately and it,s cool, but instead of buying normal, human style beans, I bought split pintos. I,m just trying to refry these turkeys so it should be fine, but I,m still concerned because all of the skins slid off of the beans as soon as they hit the water and that was weird. Whatever. They still have the same ingredients (just pinto beans) as the normal ones I buy so it,ll probably be fine.

I got sick about a week ago. That was cool. It only lasted four or five days and it wasn,t super gnarly and it,s already gone so it didn,t even really happen if you ask me. It didn,t stop me from doing much. That,s the real measurement of being sick. I still got to do almost anything I wanted. I was just being an annoying baby and sniffling all the time. That,s all.
Young Thug - Slime Season 3
I still haven,t found a house cool enough to live in. I looked at a weird one yesterday in a gross industrial area. One of the rooms was painted with blood and one of the closets was referred to as a ,,bedroom.,, It wasn,t for me. Luckily, I don.t need to get a house this second since I already have a bedroom to sleep in.

What I do need is a car. Mine will explode soon so I have been looking and waiting for one. I,ve been looking to see how much dumb cars cost and I,ve been waiting to hear back from the depths of the state to find out if they,re going to give me a ton of money for my trash car because I,m poor and they don,t want it on the road. Who knows if they,ll tell me before I die from inhaling the poison that my car exhales? I don,t know. That,s for sure.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016


All I ever do anymore is eat muffins. It,s great. I learned how to make them recently and I just keep doing it. I had three this morning and I,ll probably have another one later. I,m truly living the American dream. I get paid to do nothing and I eat muffins whenever I want. Also, I have to poop. I think that is integral to the American dream.

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band started recording another album the other day which is absolutely insane since we just finished recording two months ago. What a small group of morons we are. What,s even better is that we are paying for this ourselves rather than swindling our bosses to pay for it and, on top of that, it really does sound like we,re a Death Cab For Cutie cover band now. Usually, it sounds like we,re a Nirvana cover band, but not today.
El Guincho - Pop Negro
I have no idea what is going to happen with this new record. It,s very possible that nothing is going to happen. I can,t really imagine our benevolent dictators to be so benevolent as to agree to buy this record from us even though it doesn,t sound anything like our band. We will see. If they don,t like it, I guess we will just have bought ourselves an incredibly expensive joke. It,s good to do that sometimes. It,s good to waste money that you don,t have.

It,ll probably take forever to finish this one. We wanted the last one done in two weeks and it took four so this one will probably take nine months since we,re not giving ourselves a deadline. Also, our friend who records everything for us knows that we,re not paying him very much so I am certain that this is not a priority for him. It shouldn,t be. He,d be a fool and I wouldn,t want to record with him if it were.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Actually Happening

I feel like I,m losing my brain. That,s usual, but right now it,s for a very specific reason. I have been looking for something so much lately. It,s consuming me. I haven,t started having dreams about it, but once I do, it,ll already be too late. I,ll be a goner. The little functioning bit in my head will be reduced to slimy mush. I can,t wait.

I,m looking for a house. I am definitely not looking to buy a house because I am not a millionaire or absolutely insane. I,m looking for a house to rent because as much as I really like my current smelly apartment, it would be nice to have a place that is a bit bigger and a whole lot quieter. My upstairs neighbor, who is generally very quiet, started playing reggaeton very early Christmas morning and hasn,t stopped yet. Also, I got a sweet little letter in the mail a while ago letting me know that my rent is going to go up next month. That,ll be fun.
Tenniscoats - Papa,s Ear
I figured that I might as well spend a bit more money for a quieter place without any shared walls rather than pay more for no improvements whatsoever. One of my neighbors keeps yawning so frequently and with such power that I,m not completely convinced that he,s not ejaculating each time. It,s worrying and gross. Another one of my neighbors snores so loudly that it sounds like I,m sharing a bed with them.

All I do all day is scour the earth,s internet for small house in a part of town that isn,t super gnarly that I can afford. It,s proving to be quite the white whale. I thought I had found one, but I never got any responses to my numerous emails and when I went and looked at the house, the back door had been kicked in. This meant that I was able to walk around and touch things in there without anybody,s permission, but it may also mean that the owner and/or previous tenants were murdered to death. Who knows?